pretty sure nobody looks at this blog anymore, but might as well update it and redirect anyone who might wander here. I have new blogs, one is for my design work/thinking and the other is for other pondering and updates. http://dyealog.blogspot.com http://soxichan.blogspot.com

For all of my love and patience, being at home is a huge challenge. Or should I say being near my parents is a huge challenge? Feeling judged, misunderstood, and forgotten in the presence of a favored elder sibling... etc.

Anyways, I'm the lazy, unmotivated, unbusy one apparently.

How does he not know who I am? Of all things, why is the response to my exceptional academic performance surprise? Why is it that they know everything about my sister's life but have no idea what I'm up to? Why are the things I'm excited about in my life met with.... a change of topic?

Perhaps it's because I concern myself with abstract, unacademic things as my major. Perhaps it's because i have a new interest in issues of social justice and actually knowing what's going on in the world.

For the longest time, I was able to forgive all that and just remember that it isn't what others think of me that makes me what I am, but I seem to have gotten weaker in this area.. Maybe this is a perfect example of how having an easier life is not necessarily beneficial. After what my K-12 years were like, I'm pretty much spoiled by the acceptance and accolade I get at Michigan.

But going back to knowing what's going on in the world... This house is like a bubble. We just got a television on Black Friday 2007. It doesn't have cable. We don't listen to the radio. We don't receive the newspaper. We have dial-up. Internet is really used only for email. We don't have these things because my parents don't want to hear about the bad things going on in the world.

I will assure you that every single word on every single page or in every single movie in this house is completely wholesome too. But that's a good thing right?

Sunday School answer is yes, but in the context of this bubble I feel like it's all in this huge effort to be separated from the world. Not in the world and therefore not of the world.

And so it bothered me when my dad got upset over my sister bringing "Day after Tommorow" home for the family to watch. He was upset enough to send an email out to both of us with 'stern advice' to reconsider our lives and entertainment options.

If you've watched Day after Tommorow, you proly would never have imagined that there would be something objectionable in it. But there is a girl and a guy in a bed. *shakes finger*

Even though it annoys me to no end when my dad advises us to completely rid our music and movie collections of anything remotely sinful, as a Christian is that what should be done?

Sunday School answer again is yes... but i dunno about that.

To me that would sorta be like avoiding all the people I know that will curse, or do drugs, or talk about sleeping with some guy. because it's all too unwholesome for my holy ears and eyes? Isn't it better to learn how to live in the world without becoming of the world? So be able to live with that kind of stuff while keeping personal holiness? Quite honestly, I'm not about to go have premarital sex just because I watched Day after Tommorow. After going to a high school where pregnancy was literally the trend, seeing what i've already seen in real life in a movie doesn't seem like a big deal.

Some wise Christian out there, tell me if I'm wrong.

There’s this idea that grownups aren’t supposed to trip and fall, but we all know they do. And even though we know that it happens; when it happens to us, somehow it’s still embarrassing. And I think that’s the way Christianity is sometimes. We’re taught how to stand and walk on this narrow path. Taught not to fall, but we do. And even though we know that all Christians sin; when we’re not a baby Christian anymore, falling is embarrassing, and its somehow not something that should happen, and we feel like everyone will be judging us if they knew.

Can we realize that even adults trip and fall. And even though they’ve fallen and are only a couple inches up from the ground it doesn’t mean that they are babies again. They still know how to walk. They just need someone to help them up without laughing.

 

I think one of the things that makes it hard, is that even though in the Christian community, people are willing to talk about those times when they’ve stumbled, (They’ve thought something they shouldn’t have, held anger in their heart against someone, didn’t read their bible daily, haven’t given God priority over academics…) we don’t hear about the times Christians fall. And so even though we see Christians admitting to wrongdoing, somehow we still hold the belief that Christians are good people. When a Christian begins having an affair outside of marriage, discovers that they’re a homosexual, starts cutting themself every night, or has premarital sex; even if they want to get up, who do they go to that wont judge?

 

It’s like walking down a rocky path where you see everyone trip a little from time to time, and that’s expected, but all the sudden you trip and fall flat on your face and everyone turns and laughs. “haha, don’t you know how to keep your balance?” And sometimes you just wanna say, “Do you?”

i've been feeling so confused.

http://www.xanga.com/lilmissbombadil - Urbana Post

and a change of pace-->
So, it's been a pretty unproductive day, and therefore an uncomfortable day for the part of me that likes to always be doing something, the part of me that likes to be able to end the day feeling like something meaningful happened.

But really I didn't feel up for a productive day. I woke up feeling pretty useless, and then decided to play out that role, i suppose.
I keep messing up this one area of my life, and I can't stop. At least I've figured out I can't stop on my own.. I mean I've prayed and asked God to just stop me. "Stop me God!" Who else can I go to?
A lot of people have this idealistic picture of me, perhaps because I've portrayed myself that way. And my whole being would rather not wreck the picture... A good daughter, caring friend, perfect student, humble leader in the church, wise and knowledgeable, excelling musician, amazing designer, moral example: all things I've heard many times about myself... and even a couple times, 'perfect'...

Not that many of those above things aren't true, but I need someone to see deep within and realize I'm broken. Someone with love large enough not to let my brokenness repel them. Someone I can trust and tell everything, so that someone can keep me accountable.

You know there is one person I've told everything, but that person seems to be too wrapped up in their own life and troubles and romances to care...
so if someone is to ask what's going on... it better not just be out of curiosity.

soo scary....

such a loser. me.

part of me is falling apart. missed church this morning (Slept through the alarm), forgot to go to WCI meeting (small group leaders meeting), haven't gotten to know people in my small group as well as I'd like to, put off devotions, haven't been praying.

Missed physics lab (slep through that too).

what an amazing role model i am... not.

being in studio for 9.5 hours in one day is a little depressing. just a bit.

i can't wait for fall break. But perhaps i'm expecting too much out of it... expecting it to actually give me a break. time to stop and REST.

I have a headache, I'm high on acetone, I'm going through PMS, and starting to have cramps. Feelin grumpy and just a bit violent.

These are the days where I need people like B-- to tell me I can use them as a punching bag. Too bad he's back in PA, and here I am.

This is not the right weekend for all of this. A rather hellish project due on Tuesday which involves a lot more acetone than what I went through today. Exam tonight, exam next week, a paper to be thinking about and all that other busy stuff I could list all the way down this page to complain about and make myself feel better.

Anyways... when my eyes stop feeling red and this tylenol kicks in, I'll be set to continue this day again.

M--'s advice "go punch him." (denoting the diag preacher)

They need to stop preaching the YOU"RE GOING TO HELL and JESUS CAN SAVE YOU... it's not about not going to hell. It's about that relationship. It's about a broken relationship that God wants to restore.

For my quiet times today I read the passage on the Lord's Prayer, and ended up spending an immense amount of time just thinking about the importance of the first word, "Our". When I pray, and I think this applies to many people, we tend to pray with more of a "my father who art in heaven" mindset. But in the Lord's prayer it isn't "my father" it's "our father". The idea of community, family, and all of the meaning behind those ideas brought into prayer.

Goodness! everything's just been going right lately.. or... the way i've wanted it to go (would be the correct way to put it), haha. Little things, like getting cozy furniture for my room that was even better than i was hoping for! Totally woulda settled for a cheap futon. But got a pull out loveseat bed. Was ready to pay for the comfy vintage chair, but have a friend who paid for it completely already... even before I got to town. Have a friend that was willing to lug furniture around for me and be rushed around AND store all of the furniture at his place till i get there. So yea, i'm excited about the furniture, can you tell? My thanksgiving plans are really quite nice. I have 2 places I can go for Christmas, both with family. Urbana plans are well on their way, still waiting on definite news for the funding, it just seems promising right now. My dad has been supportive. God has taken me through 2 of my biggest struggles this summer and here I am, a happy sophie, ^^.
And it's times like these when I am totally amazed by God's blessings that i sometimes have to stop and remember that things are not always gonna continue to go just the way I want them to go. A time when I need to remind myself that when things start going wrong I'm not allowed to start pitying myself, blaming God, not allowed to cease to believe in God's blessings, or all of the sudden feel like God is worlds away. So hopefully, when the stress kicks in (and the hard life which is guaranteed to come) I will remember what God has done in my life and not just live in the moment.
And yea, I'm hoping this doesn't happen, but God could totally close the doors to funding for Urbana at any moment. He might want me at home for break, might tell me that there's always next time. Then what would I think? How would I feel? Whatever I could say is easier said than done, so I wont say anything at all.

okay. well, there one thing in my life that's kinda being weird and unfair, but I'm actually finding it rather humurous. haha, oy. *shakes head*

oh yea, btw, if anyone wants free cricket food/water, someone's giving a bunch away for free in Downtown Ann Arbor. haha. too awesome to resist, eh?